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Skylines by Rayen-V-Storme Skylines by Rayen-V-Storme
People often do their own art tributes to some artist or painting that they loved - well, this as close as I can get as a writer! This is my own tribute to William Gibson and Neuromancer and the entire genre of cyberpunk literature that happens to be so amazing. The several cyberpunk stories I read were all unique and fantastic. Even the coverart I use is a tribute to Bladerunner, which is a mjor name in cyberpunk! So this is my own little shoutout to the genre ^.^ It's lovely, just like J. Evinson!

This a fairly long piece, so I hope you enjoyed the whole thing! And if you didn't bother to read the whole story, I don't blame you, haha. It's a little light on the action, a little heavy on the world building. I just wanted to build a cybrpunk/noir sort of city, and I ended up with Sprawlers and Grazers and wetware and all that other lovely stuff I tried to cram into 11 pages. 
Hope you liked, and critique is always dearly appreciated! 
This is the first actual story I've written in some time...
XD

Either way, thanks for your time, and have a lovely day!

Cheers,
~Rayen


Art Credit - "Bladerunner Fanart" by Tryingtofly 
Linky link - Bladerunner Fanart
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:iconslamtaro:
Slamtaro Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Sweet story, love the world-building and especially love the character. Reminds me of Adam Jensen if he was less grumpy. 
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:iconcyanmask:
CyanMask Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015
as a person who doesnt really read a lot, especially foreign literature, i congratulate you on making an intriguing story.
  you describe the environment in a way that is really easy to imagine. however, i feel like the some aspects of "the future" were kind of cliche. with flying cars and antygravity fields, even the neon lights were like a hangover to my imagination. i've probably just seen too many bad sci-fi movies, or sci-fi movies in general. my only other peeve was how chatty the protagonist was. i guess you could avoid that by writing in less detail, but if you really want to clearly represent how you interpreted a painting, a song or anything else really, the way you've done it is just about perfect.

-after writing the comment to this point i say the linky link, and the image is pretty much how i imagined the world in the story looks like.
to state my previous opinion: to clearly represent how you interpreted a painting, a song or anything else really, the way you've done it is just about perfect.
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, I completely understand what you mean about the "hangover", haha. It's a struggle to come up with new ideas sometimes in a genre that's been so saturated with the easy ideas. There are good ones out there....I just...like....antigrav cars XD But no, I completely agree with you!
And thank you! I appreciate it. Glad to hear, plus I always appreciate some honest critique so you rock!
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:iconchiourin:
ChiouRin Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2015
I guess, the comments before basically said it all, but I just wanted to let you know, that I too, really liked this piece. It is true that you have a really great way of world building. It seems to be just part of the story. Essential to it. Not put in because you want the reader to know something or see something or whatever.
But there is one thing I wanted to say; about the introduction. First let me say I love the thoughts and ideas behind it and also the way it is written. What threw me off a little when I first read it though, was that I didn't expect it to become a story. It felt somewhat detached from it. I guess I was missing the 'connection', like, why he is thinking about the beauty of art and the harshness and disillusionment of reality? Later he describes the cityscape and the 'pretty colors' and all those pretty facades that hide the true face of your world, and that seemed to me as if it belonged to the introduction, but it was a little too 'far away'. Maybe if you started a little farther into the story? Like when he is already sitting in the cab, seeing those things? You can still describe the intricacies of taxi cab riding later on, for example when he gets back into he cab at the end, or before he gets oout the first time...

Just some thoughts I thought I'd share ^.^
Again, great piece!
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you enjoyed! 

Hmm...that's an interesting point you bring out. I actually find that funny, because originally, I wrote the intro as a separate piece, and only continued the story the next day as sort of a little...adventure to see what would happen. But they weren't supposed to be intertwined. I ended up just leaving it as is and this was the result. But I'm actually impressed you felt this way, haha! Shows that it's definitively distinguishable. 
I'll see what I might do with this, thank you. You have some good tips there. I'm considering rewriting it, or not...if I do, I'll take your advice!
(I get lazy quickly and end up never doing rewrites XD )
Thanks for the great critique as always!!
And happy to be of service ;)
*bows*
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:iconundomiel321:
Undomiel321 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Rayen!! Wow, this is...this is really quite good. I myself am a fan of science fiction, noir, cyber punk, and much of what you put in here, so I was already feeling giddy from the get go. Your opening idea, the character's musings on art and reality, was a great way to start. Very entertaining.

As far as the criticism that you used too much description overall, well, I have an amendment to that. You used too much description for an 11 page story. But this clearly has the feel of a much larger story to be told. Which I would be eager to read. That aside, I would like to commend you on doing a good job of world building without making me feel too confused inside it, or see too much of the hands of the creator. Or at least that's what I think of it as. When I see too clearly that the writer is trying to insert descriptions, definitions, or explanations, it takes away from enjoying the moment, and starts to become that fourth grade paper where the student says "this paper is about" (which lets the bottom drop out of the story right from the get go). Papers and stories should never have to reference themselves, or describe themselves. They should just exist. And you did a good job with that.

I feel Llovesart gave a lot of really good feedback that you should use when rewriting this. And you should rewrite it. Because this piece is good and deserves to be even better. 

And I would like to request part two, if you please. Or chapter two. Or whatever comes next.

Really a fun read! Thank you for sharing. =)
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well, first off, thanks a million billion trillion times, hahaha. I read this comment last night, right before I went to bed, and ended up being too excited and happy to sleep XD Spent the next hour thinking about how to fix up "Skylines" and where to go with the next part(s). Drafted a few ideas, daydreamed, and several hours later, passed out dreaming of cyberpunk haha. It was interesting. But anyways, I'm very glad you liked it! And I was nervous about that introduction since it wasn't...usual...but it worked out I guess!

I see your point, definitely. It is a little heavy on descriptions, but I was thinking about Sci-Fi epics like Hyperion and Dune that spend chapters simply building planets and history....but as you said, this is only an 11 page story. Definitely not Asimov's Foundation XD And I would like to keep going with it, I'm just a bit worried it'll fall short of this one. This story just sort of....flowed out. I had no idea where I was going or doing, i just wrote whatever crossed my mind...
I totally understand what you mean, and thanks!! It's something that I always work on, haha. Not to be too obvious in the descriptions. 

And yes, I was grateful to her! Very good advice about dialogue. I'll get back to this and make it more...ya know. Talky.

Haha, I'll try to whip something up. Can't promise it'll be good, but I've got a few ideas that should, in the very least be amusing haha

Once again, thanks. It means a lot ^.^
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:iconundomiel321:
Undomiel321 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are most welcome! Gosh, I didn't mean to make you lose sleep. But feeling excited about our creations is a good thing, so yay!

The story definitely had a much larger feel, which was part of the fun, I think. With some edits and some additions I'm sure this story will get better and better. 

I am eagerly awaiting the next installment. Keep me posted.

It was my pleasure, Rayen. Heart 
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Ha, sleep and I have an interesting relationship anyways. Not your fault ^.~ 

And will do! I'm a bit caught up with some issues at home, but as soon as everything is settled, I'll get right to work! :D
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:iconundomiel321:
Undomiel321 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Sounds good!!
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:iconnebulace:
Nebulace Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014
Oh man this is cool! I love the old pillars mixed with the futuristic city. So cool
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:iconkrzysiek2222:
Krzysiek2222 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014
I feel like it would be and airbender house in the future from avatar the last air bender
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:iconvsis:
VSIS Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014
Impressed with the way you started off the story as though it were a metaphorical walk through a big metropolis.  It got even better when you revealed not all things were what they first appeared as.
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, glad you enjoyed! ^.^
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:iconk-krueger:
K-Krueger Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Student
really great
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thanks!
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:iconllovesart:
Llovesart Featured By Owner Edited Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is not usually my genre, but I really liked it. You captured my attention.

I write lots myself, so don't mind if i say some things :) You don't have to read them if you don't want to. Just some friendly advice. 

Your descriptions are wonderful. I just love those. Maybe a bit heavy on the descriptions in this piece, but like you said, lots of world building. I don't blame you. 

But your dialogue could maybe use some work. Of course, I don't know if this is your usual style, but it felt a bit... scripted. Like you pushed the characters in a certain direction. Their voices didn't sound as genuine as they could've been. In my humble opinion, the best thing to do is read the dialogues out loud. If they sound awkward, they usually are. And if that's what you're going for, keep it! But I don't think that's what you were trying to convey here. 
: Edit : I read a few parts of the dialogue again and I think it feels a bit awkward because the main character is there with a mission and starts out by remarking on the beauty of the Dr. After that, he's just a bit too friendly. To me in particular, I couldn't feel his anger, and I would expect him to be angry in a situation like that. But, hey, this was probably just a one shot, and a bit of experimentation. So don't take this as a harsh judgement. 

Other than that, great piece. I enjoyed reading it. 
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Trust me, I really do appreciate any feedback! Views and faves are great and all, but a single critique is worth a whole heck of a lot! I'm sure you agree, haha.

Descriptions, thank you! I did try to delve more into the world itself than the people, so that's the reason it's so prevalent as you mentioned.

Dialogue... XD Always been my struggle, haha. Thank you for bringing it out. That's a good way to check, I'll have to do it next time. I try to shoot for the more genuine tone that you described, but I've always been better at describing a scene than voicing a conversation. So thanks, I'll definitely take your advice! I think I was trying to bend the characters around the location more so than the other way around, which really isn't the wisest choice...

And yeah, you're right! Hahaha, looking back it is a little silly. Maybe I imagined him being too tired to care, that noir sort of character who simply doesn't give a crap and focuses on the here and now. But even there, it sorta...skips. Ah well, just an opportunity to learn! 
And yes, it was a one shot sort of deal (thus my surprise at all the attention o.o )

Thanks again!!! You're one of the few to leave some constructive criticism and I'm grateful for it ^.^ And of course, I'm glad you enjoyed reading!
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:iconllovesart:
Llovesart Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No problem at all! We writers should stick together ;) (also, i'm not sure if it's "us" or "we" but hey, english isn't my first language and I don't write in it :P

I've personally always been more of a dialogue person, so glad to be of help :) 

And if I may say so, you could try to give some stage directions. I know the dialogue should speak for itself, but sometimes it can give a sentence just a little oompfh (also, beware of the "talking heads!" people do stuff when they talk to eachoterh. They fiddle with things like coffee mugs or pens or papers).

For instance, i'm writing this piece of dialogue right now:

"It doesn't seem like you two really get along."
"You know what? You can make your own bread," said Joseph and he slammed the butter on the countertop. 


I would say that it's just not the same without that little stage directon where he slams the butter on the countertop ^^ But that's just what I like to read, so, maybe that's different for you. 
I don't know if you like this kind of advice, but I'm just someone who likes to share knowledge about this stuff :)
If you want, i could watch you and maybe give some more constructive feedback now and then 
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I think you could use either or there! 

I see what you mean. It adds a bit more of a background to the conversation. Haha, not "talking heads". Thanks, I'll remember that (I hope!)
That'd be lovely! Thank you!
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:iconllovesart:
Llovesart Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
sure, no problem! 
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:iconeqonosp:
Eqonosp Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice! I liked it a lot.
I like to write little pieces on things that I find interesting/inspiring as well.
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well I am very glad you did! Always a pleasure to hear ^.^
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:iconkwisatzhaddascratch:
KwisatzHaddascratch Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Great Gibson tribute, but I'm seeing a little bit of a Dashiell Hammett homage here, too. Intentional, or am I reading too much noir?
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! And to be fully honest, I haven't actually read Hammet, which is fairly embarrassing considering what I just read about him. Big name right there.  Though I was definitely shooting for more of a noir feel as well, which I'm actually very glad you felt! Noir + Sci-fi has always been a weakness of mine. 
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:iconkevinyann:
KevinYann Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014
Very beautiful!
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much ^.^
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:iconashsten:
ashsten Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Student General Artist
Vool. Feels like a mix beetween magic the gathering and sci-fi in general.
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thanks! 
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:iconmuerte23:
Muerte23 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I understand what you mean about tributes, it's hard as a writer.
as always your work is amazing and I do envy your ability to write the way you do haha
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:iconrayen-v-storme:
Rayen-V-Storme Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks mate, you rock! Always nice hearing a compliment from a fellow writer ^.^
And yea, tributes...hard, but totally fun!
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:iconmuerte23:
Muerte23 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
haha and worth it in the end
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